yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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