I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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