Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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