Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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