He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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