My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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