He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
