Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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