i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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