Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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