I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
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