why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
