i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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