I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
