My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
