Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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