Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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