The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
