One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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