I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
