you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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