I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
