I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
