He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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