I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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