You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
