i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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