then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
