Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
