you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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