Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
