You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
