I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Randomize
