my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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