apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
