Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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