you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
