What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
