I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
A bitchslap is in order.
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