how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
