Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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