in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
