if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
