everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
