you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
