Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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