For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
