Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
