dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
