Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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