people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
