dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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